Ever done something in a relationship you regretted? Chances are at some time or another we all have, but the effect of our indescretion can vary. Perhaps you were cranky at your partner after a rotten day at the office, or you forgot your anniversiary. Perhaps it was something more extreme, and enough to make your partner decide to end things on the spot. Whatever the case may be, there will be times when we need to use one of the most important tools in relationship building…the sincere apology.
Lets look at an example:
Lucy and Guy had been in a long term relationship until about a month ago. They had a period of separation after Lucy’s insecurities got the better of her and she accused Guy of being interested in one of her friends. This wasn’t the first time Lucy had acted jealously in the relationship, and Guy decided enough was enough.
Now Lucy is desperate to get Guy back, but she also understands she was the one ultimately responsible for the split. How would you get Guy back when youre in a bad position? Starting with an apology.
So what are the three components to a genuine apology?
- Firstly, there is a recognition that what we did was wrong.
- Second, there is an introspection as to why we did it.
- Finally, there is a commitment to not do it again.
In this case, a huge step for Lucy was acknowledging that her behavior (brought on by her own insecurities) caused the problem. That in itself is not an insignificant step. Secondly she needed to understand why she reacted the way she did, which will vary depending on the situation. In Lucy’s case there are factors which stem from her past, and need to be dealt with seperately. Finally, for an apology to be authentic, there needs to be a genuine commitment to avoiding the action or pattern of behavior that resulted in the need to apologize in the first place.
Its important to understand that an apology is essentially a commitment to our partner, and to subsequently renege on that promise has two important consequences. Firstly, it renders our initial apology nothing more than a mechanism to make ourselves feel better about our conduct, and secondly it decreases the worth of our word. Both factors can have a detrimental effect on our relationship.
So what did Lucy do? She convinced Guy to meet up with her and then made a geniune apology. She admitted she had been feeling insecure for reasons totally unassociated with Guy, and that this had clouded her judgment. She said she knew he wasn’t interested in her friend, and that her accusation had hurt him. She promised if he gave them another chance, she wouldn’t do it again, but would instead talk to him openly whenever she was feeling poorly about herself.
Part of Lucy’s commitment was to actively try and deal with the real problems behind her insecurities. Fortunately, Guy gave them a second chance once he had the opportunity to digest what she’d told him. Importantly, she gave Guy the time to consider what she had said and didn’t press him for immediate forgiveness.
You might be wondering how Lucy convinced Guy to even meet up with her. This is an important part, because for a lot of us who have experienced a break up but want to get back the ex, the hardest part is getting them to listen to us. In Lucy’s case, she new Guy would need to collect some of his things from her place. She waited for him to call, and kept things light and friendly when he arrived. She did her best to put him at ease, and then simply asked if she could talk to him about something. Guy was hardly likely to say no, and in saying yes he made a small commitment to at least hear her out. That’s the hardest step, and enabled Lucy to say her piece without him leaving.
That’s just one method to get in contact with an ex, and we’ll explore alternative methods in other posts. But for now, consider whether apologising is something you need to be doing to win back your ex, but more importantly, decide whether you are able to offer a genuine apology first.