Breakup Advice For Men…From A Man

It always interests me when I read articles giving breakup advice for men which tell us not to participate in self destructive behavior, like getting drunk.

You’re kidding right?

You seriously want us gents to do away with the age old therapy of drowning our sorrows with a pint or twelve safe in the bosum of mateship and staunch loyalty?  To forgoe that sense of empathy men only seem capable of expressing in the wake of severe loss (be it love or football)?  To ignore our need for a 3am kebab after a boozy night even though we know it makes a poor substitute for the woman whose adoration we had so recently enjoyed?

And what would you have us do, we poor fellows so recently bereft of our loved ones?  A night in watching re-runs of the Notebook and a quart of Baskin’s best perhaps?  You must have us confused with someone else…

In my experience there can be some therapeutic value in a night out on the town with the boys.  One night where we can simply let it all hang out and accept, in a fashion that only men can, that someone we cared about has gone and done us wrong (or vice versa, as the case may be).  And if we can’t rely on our mates to keep us out of any really dire trouble for an evening… then we probably have bigger problems than a bust up.

The proviso to any such escapade is that in choosing to head out for a night of drunken debauchery, we need to understand that its a temporary relief…at best.  In fact, its almost a certainty that once the drunken fugue has set in, we’re probably going to start feeling pretty crappy again, and in the morning…a hell of a lot worse.  But on balance, if we can accept it for what it is, a night out isn’t going to kill us.

But its not going to get us back on an even keel either.

The temptation here of course is to start to apply a whole series of standards and talk about how men tend not to be expressive in the way they deal with a break up, of how it is ingrained in us not to show weakness, and certainly not to act in any way that might give hint to the fact that our male pride is lying shattered on the floor.  The thing is, there’s a reason certain characteristics became classed as stereotypes in the first place…its because we men act exactly that way!

There’s a tendency to assume that whilst women mourne the end of a relationship, men seem to take little more than a mistep before shaking things off and moving on.  The truth though for many men is that this is more indicative of their tendency to internalise rather than a true expression of how a break up has effected them.

So what are some of the steps we men should take when doing our best to deal with a break up?

The first thing we probably need is proper closure.  If you aren’t clear on whether things are really ‘over’ then don’t be afraid to seek that confirmation.  This is especially important if you don’t want it to be over and want to get back your ex girlfriend (for more help on that, check out the reviews to the right of the page).  But if its the end game, better that we have it spelled out for us.

Secondly, beyond contacting her for said confirmation, avoid the temptation to communicate with her.  I had a mate who would drunken dial his ex girlfriend to the point that he was one more bad call away from an Intervention Order.  There are ways to go about getting your ex back if that’s really what you want.  Being a pathetic sop isn’t one of them.  If you find yourself doing this, refer to the paragraph above about how we manly men are supposed to act.

Thirdly, if you have mutual friends or joint hangouts, do yourself a favour and avoid them for a while.  There’s almost bound to be dozens of bars and restaurants and social clubs where you live.  Pick a new one, and give yourself the time you need to come to terms with the breakup before you have to deal with running into the ex in an awkward social setting.

Next, if its over, ditch the stuff that reminds you of her, and if you’ve left anything worth less than the equivelent of a kidney at her place, forget about it. You can buy that favourite CD for $15 lousy bucks and that’s a small price to pay compared to the hassle of retrieving it under the nose of a former partner.  Its just stuff.

Now, I’ve only been through a few break ups in my time but they were heavy ones, and each time the first thing I found myself doing was hitting the gym.  I also used to run like a madman.  I freaking hate running, but I sure could pound the pavement after being ditched.  It was a great release for frustration and anger (since I was so bad at expressing it any other way) and it had significant side benefits.  Did I still feel crappy after a run?  Sure, at the start I did, but after doing it for a month or two my new buff me was starting to attract some much wanted attention.  Do yourself a favour and burn through a few of those pints with a good session on the weights.

Finally, stick with your friends.  Sometimes its hard to bridge the gap between lifestyle when you have a special someone taking up so much of your time, but friends understand this and will be ready to take you back into the fold when hard times hit.  They are your universal constant, so instead of remeniscing about the good times you had with your ex, go create some new ones of your own.

It’s not a magic recipe, and goodness knows I’ve struggled through various relationships before finally celebrating the demise of my bachelorhood, but it should help you from making some of the fundamental mistakes that prove there really is a need for separate breakup advice for men.