Few things we experience in life hurt more than lost love, and finding an answer to the question of how to cure a broken heart is one we inevitably look for.

The pain of a break up rarely discriminates between men and women, and whether you are the person ending the relationship or the one being dumped, often both sides feel a sense of loss or hurt.  Sometimes it isn’t hard to discern the reasons why a break up has occurred, but other times it can come as a complete surprise.  These can be the hardest to deal with of all.

Most of us yearn to recover from a broken heart, but often we find ourselves lingering over a lost love.  We fail to take the steps we need to take to move forward.  In fact, many of us fall in to the trap of feeling victimized, which only serves to prevent us from dealing authentically and positively with an otherwise rotten situation.  As tempting and as easy as it might seem to wallow in self pity, remorse and frustration, to truly cure a broken heart we need to realize a few important truths.

Firstly, we need to recognize that we can’t avoid the hurt.  Try as we might, medicating it, suppressing it, or simply trying to ignore the pain will only ever prove a short term solution, and a poor one at that.  I remember reading an interesting maxim about the pain of lost love that said:

There’s no way around a broken heart, only a way through it.

I liked it because it highlights the fact that one of the most effective ways of how to mend a broken heart is to find the ability to face the pain head on, and deal with it.  Accepting the fact that you feel hurt, aggrieved, sad and lost is one of the first steps to recovery.  Accepting that its normal is the second.  You’re supposed to feel this way after a break up, and now we need to deal with it.

Some people find putting their feelings down on paper is a good way to start working through them.  There are many ways we can do this, whether it be by keeping a journal of how we are from day to day, or writing a letter to our ex about how the break up has made us feel.  Remember, we won’t be sending the letter to our ex, so don’t hold back.  Think your ex is a bastard…tell them so!  The purpose here is not to really communicate to our ex about how hurt we are, but to really face our emotions in a way that is genuine and therapeutic.

Ok, having given ourselves the indulgence of admitting how we feel, we next need to examine whether there was anything in our past that might have contributed to or even lead to the break up.  Sometimes it might be simply a clash of personalities.  Perhaps we have habits that we know detract from the relationship.  Perhaps we need to accept that there may be more deep rooted problems for which we should be seeking professional help.  Whatever your case might be, coming to terms with those issues now in the wake of a break up not only helps us feel more empowered, it reduces the likelihood that they will negatively impact on our partners in the future.

Part and parcel of this stage is also avoiding playing the victim.  We talked earlier about not feeling victimized.  This is another time where we need to be completely honest with ourselves and take responsibility for any of our own actions which may have contributed to the break up.  This can be an important element when considering that if we maintain our sense of being a victim, we are more likely to act in a manner that leads to us being ‘victimised’ in the future.  Lets look at an example.

Sasha went through a particularly nasty breakup and felt completely hard done by.  She convinced herself that her partner was at fault, but subconsciously she reinforced in her own mind that due to the breakup, she wasn’t worthy.  When Sasha entered a new relationship with Jacob, she was convinced that at some point her new boyfriend would break it off.  She had a victim mentality, and to try and shield herself for what she felt was the inevitability of a break up, she was closed off to Jacob and resisted his efforts to become close with her.  Unfortunately, this ultimately lead to Jacob feeling like Sasha wasn’t prepared to commit to the relationship, and wasn’t reciprocating his interest.  Over several months, Sasha’s conflicting and entirely inaccurate approach to the relationship engendered discontent, and Jacob began sensing that he should pull away from the relationship to avoid being hurt.  Sasha sensed this, immediately assumed she was about to be rejected, and when Jacob finally called it off into their fourth month Sasha was convinced she had again been unfairly ditched.  Her sense of being a victim became a self fulfilling prophecy, and one she was dangerously likely to repeat unless she was able to recognize the problem and so break the cycle.

By dealing ineffectively with our broken heart, we can perpetuate the pain long beyond the time it should truly impact us.  But when we are strong enough to face our negative emotions, deal with them effectively and so let them go…we create a space for healing.

The process takes time, and there will be occasions which test your resolve more than others.  But it helps to understand that if we don’t get over the ex and be clear on how to cure a broken heart, it can become a problem which festers and becomes toxic to the next relationship we enter into.  Having just experienced a break up, avoiding our next one should be something worth fighting for.

Tags: break up, breakup, get over the ex, how to cure a broken heart, how to mend a broken heart