It’s a horrible question to ever have to ask yourself. How to know if your boyfriend is cheating? The very fact you’re even faced with the problem of trying to decide whether infidelity has worked its nasty way into your relationship can be both emotionally confronting and unsettling. The good news is, we can give you some insight on a whole system to catch a cheating spouse. But without this type of help, it is often extremely difficult to deal with this sort of issue in a logical manner. More frequently we’re prone to freaking out a little bit, letting our hearts rule our heads, and wind up working ourselves into a state of turmoil in which we’re likely to make poor decisions.
This is an important thing to understand though, because often the consequences of our actions can be overshadowed by our sense of doubt, hurt and fear that our partner may be cheating on us. But dealing with these concerns effectively and as logically as possible could well help avert disaster…either because our partners are cheating on us and we deserve to know, or because they are not and deserve the benefit of the doubt. A false accusation can be almost as damaging as a correct one in terms of the hurt and resentment it can engender in an innocent boyfriend, so we need to be sure before we start pointing the finger.
To know if your boyfriend is cheating on you there are some telltale signs which may be present, but there are also behavioral patterns which are harder to dicipher but may in fact offer a better indication of what’s really going on. Let’s take a look at some of the things we need to look for.
1. Lets start at the start…what we mean by that is, what is it that originally piqued your suspicions that your boyfriend might be cheating? For some of us its an actual physical thing, like an unexplained phone number on a napkin. This type of hard evidence is helpful, should be interpreted in light of other factors, but is not always available to us. Often its the changes in the behavior of our loved one that starts us wondering. Either way, its important to stay grounded and not let our emotions rule (as understandable as it would be to do just this). Why? In crisis we tend to look for clues which support the outcome we are predisposed to rather than dealing rationally with the information available to us. We are prone to assuming the worst, and ignoring things which might lead to some other explanation for our partners strange behavior. Keeping in mind what originally got us wondering is critical, because sometimes this will only have been ‘the little things’ which we subsequently build on but in a way where we allow our own prejudices take over. Remember, if we are wrong, we could be doing a lot of damage.
2. Ok, some physical things. Some of these sound cliched but the reality is that they became the stereotype for a reason. The unexplained call. Has your boyfriend ever refused to answer his phone in the past? Ever walked out of the room to talk? Ever been vague about who it was? If not, and he is now, this is something to look for. This is an easy one to deal with. If your boyfriend is vague or evasive, been polite but direct in asking him who it was and what they wanted. You can do it in a way that seems perfectly innocent or curious, and if he has nothing to hide then there’s no reason for him not to tell you. If he becomes annoyed at your probing, as long as you have been non confrontational in your inquiries, this is a warning sign. If he is receiving calls from strange numbers or unknown callers, you can consider going a step further and using something like Reverse Phone Detective to find out who he is speaking to.
3. The cologne. Yep, seriously, this ones a ripper. If your boyfriend rarely wears aftershave but suddenly starts using it, chances are he’s not doing it for you. Now, to be fair, much as they won’t admit it there are times where even men feel a little loss of self esteem and hitting the day smelling great is one way to give themselves some extra pep. It’s sort of a man’s equivalence of a hair cut and manicure…just cheaper. Again, don’t be afraid to ask why he’s suddently started smelling good again. Chances are if there’s nothing sinister to it, he’ll be a bit coy but will probably shrug his shoulders and say he just felt like it. Again, if he’s evasive or gives a reason that doesn’t make sense, this is more of a concern.
4. Showers at strange times in the day. If your boyfriend suddenly starts taking showers the moment he gets home, and he never has in the past, this is a warning sign. Nab him on the way in before he hits the jets and see what he smells like. If it isn’t bad…his ‘need’ for a shower probably is.
5. The time factor. The problem with this one is that so often there will be legitimate reasons for your boyfriend to be slightly late, but again this just requires some careful inquiries on your part. If your boyfriend isn’t cheating and has been at work, he’ll have no difficulty telling you what he was working on. If he is going to catch up with one of his buddies, ask some questions about him or what they talked about and work it into conversation next time you see the friend to see if they really did discuss it. The key here is again to watch for any evasiveness on the part of your boyfriend. Now, some boyfriends will be able to lie convincingly, but don’t be afraid to dig for some details, just do it in a way that is non-threatening. What you don’t want to do is clue them in to the fact you’re grilling them for information. Just be up front, because an innocent boyfriend has nothing to hide, and why wouldn’t he answer your innocent inquiries about where he’s been spending his time?
6. Lies. Lying convincingly in a moment can be done. Lying convincingly over an extended period of time is actually quite difficult. People are far more likely to forget lies they have told than they are to forget details of truth, so keep a mental record of what you’ve been told, and if something doesn’t add up, hone in on it and seek clarification. If you catch your boyfriend in a compromising lie, this may be the time to go further and confront him about it. You don’t need to accuse him of cheating, just point out the discrepancy. If he starts freaking out under that scrutiny, you probably should too.
7. A lack of interest in you. There are times in a relationship when people aren’t at their best, but unless you’re facing pressures of marriage, unless your partner is severely stressed due to work, or some other significant issue, a distinct drop in his interest in you can often be a sign. If its not a sign of cheating, it may at least be a sign that something is amiss in the relationship. Sometimes this will manifest itself as a reluctance on your boyfriends part to spend time with you. Sometimes it translates into boredom in the bedroom also.
8. The put down. Has your boyfriend suddenly become more critical of you? This can be a blaring warning sign. Its almost ingrained in the human condition that people will compare their partner to that of their fling and that comparison will take the form of criticism if for some reason your boyfriend deems you wanting. Sometimes this will simply be indicative of the fact your boyfriend harbours the wish that you exhibited the trait of the person he is cheating with. Why? Because somewhat obscurely, it would mean he’d be more happy with you and wouldn’t need to go through the guilt of cheating (yes, most men do actually experience guilt when cheating). Its an entirely unfair comparison, ignores all of your good points, and is a highly destructive and selfish mechanism of infidelity. It’s also a warning sign, so pay heed to it.
9. New sexual prowess. This one is pretty ordinary to consider, but some men will actually start wanting to try new positions or experiences in the bedroom. Now, this on its own obviously shouldn’t be taken as a warning sign…we should all celebrate our partners wanting to keep things interesting in the bedroom, right? But if accompanied by some of the other warning signs, this may be an indication of some new experiences your boyfriend is having…unfortunately not always with you.
10. Intuition. This is a two step process. Firstly, ask yourself honestly whether you are insecure and suspicious by nature. If not, trust your intuition. Most of us are actually extremely effective at picking up on changes which may be the harbringers of something bad. We can pick up even subtle changes in our partners, and are probably better attuned to the complexities of body language than we give ourselves credit for, especially with someone we know as well as our own lovers. Don’t be afraid to trust your instincts, most of us know when something is truly amiss in our relationship. What we then need is the courage to admit it, look for the evidence to support it, and then use that evidence to find the answers we need.
There are different schools of thought on when or even if you should confront your boyfriend about cheating. Obviously, the more convincing the arguments are that support your suspicions the more effective raising the issue may be. Certainly any such accusation will be met with resistance, whether true or not. It is bound to give rise to a situation that may be unpleasant, but at the same time may help resolve (for better or worse) a situation that if left to fester may become untenable anyway. Answering the question how to tell if your boyfriend is cheating is the first step…putting those signs in context and making a decision about your future is the next.
Don’t leave anything to chance. Check out our How To Catch A Cheating Spouse review where we take an in depth look at a whole system designed to prove whether your partner is cheating on you.