To be or not to be, that is the question. Hamlet’s greatest soliloquy is the inspiration behind dozens of quotes. I’ll grant you, its not one of your typical relationship break up quotes. We find a use for it again here because its probably one of the most important questions people entering a serious relationship never ask themselves. Yet, that simple inquiry could well be the very clue that allows you to prevent long term relationship break up.
You remember what its like to start a new relationship, right? Its exciting, it can be nerve wracking, it can be exhausting and it can be exhilarating. The journey we take from stranger, to acquaintance, from love interest to lover, and from lover to loved one can hold us enraptured for weeks, months or even years. We find ourselves smiling in the middle of our day for no reasons other than a random thought of our partner. Its a pretty awesome part of a relationship, and for some of us, it will endure even though it might be in a slightly different form. There’s almost no escaping the fact that once we settle into a long term relationship that early euphoria of newness and excitement subsides, but if we’ve selected the right partner, what it gives way to can see us equally enraptured with our other half. This is something to be cherished, and can often be the foundation of a successful long term relationship.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case. Sometimes long term relationships happen by accident. We like our partner, we certainly don’t want to be alone, and before we’ve really had a chance to take stock on the situation we realise we’ve invested half a decade into a relationship we might not have ever considered as ‘long term’. Alternatively, perhaps we made the decision to give something more serious a go. If that’s where you find yourselves, let’s take a look at some of the things we need to consider before moving forward. This applies equally as well if we’ve just suffered a long term relationship break up, and are deciding whether we want our ex back, and how we’re supposed to get them.
I remember a wise man once said to me that his decision to propose to his wife came down to one simple but defining moment.
I remember looking in the mirror one morning and asking myself…am I ever gunna do any better than this woman? The answer was no, so got down on bended knee.
Now, it might not sound all that romantic, but to be fair, there’s a couple of poignant factors at play here. Firstly, our subject was an ex Army Colonel. Secondly, when pressed on the matter he came out with this slightly softer disclaimer.
What I mean by that is, it didn’t matter to me whether she was perfect or not by general standards. What I knew for dead certain was that she was perfect for me. I haven’t regretted that decision one day since.
It sounds simple enough, but many of us actually labor under some pretty serious misapprehensions about what we are likely to achieve in our long term relationships. Take our partners personality for instance. Ever had a relationship where you had a partner with a couple of amazing traits. I’ll use an example. I had an ex who was great looking, charming, smart and romantic. But at the same time they were prone to tantrums, reacted unreasonably when they didn’t get their way, and were known to get moody or depressed. Now, in accepting that no one is ‘perfect’ the fact remains that even though this person had traits I found appealing, the bottom line was that they drove me just about crazy with their antics. A time came where after four years, I just couldn’t stand it any more. I had to realize a few significant truths.
The main one was that I couldn’t change them. No way, no how, no matter the effort. Sure I could make some inroads into improving our relationship, and there’s nothing wrong with trying. But I also had to acknowledge that we were fundamentally at odds on at least one major lifestyle issue…they loved drama, I hated it. And I mean they loved it. They thrived on drama. They needed the relationship to have high’s and lows or they got bored. Me, I just wanted to be happy and basically chilled out. Moral of the story…you can’t change people who don’t want to change. Moreover, I wasn’t going to change either, so pulling the plug on that relationship was the right thing to do long term.
It wasn’t easy of course, and long term relationship break ups are rarely easy. But what I can say is that I wasn’t mistaken when I made the decision not to settle for someone who would wallow with me in mutual misery. Instead, I decided to wait for the person who was perfect…for me. When I echo Hamlet, I want the answer TO BE.
When looking to prevent long term relationship break up, consider whether the relationship is one you are truly able to save. If not, consider what it might be costing you to try. It might be the chance to find someone you are truly suited to.
But…if you think you’ve found that person but are having problems, fear not. There are plenty of online resources on how to mend a broken relationship, and if the fundamentals are there, you should grasp that opportunity with both hands.